November 2006 Archives
Dear Santa,
First, I hate to bother you with your busiest time of the year approaching fast, but I was wondering if you could possibly squeeze in one more order before the big night? Its nothing big, I promise, and it wont even cost you any overtime with the elves.
I realize that i'm 32, and that i'm far beyond that age where I get to ask Santa for an extra special Christmas, but honestly I haven't asked for anything since I was around 12 and i've been pretty good this year so maybe you can let this one request slide, eh, big guy?
girlfriend: professional, feminine, 25-32 years old, educated, caucasian, adores her family, loves her life, has never been on Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer, always smells great, wont mind me treating her like a queen or opening all of her doors for her, wont mind that I call her dad "sir" or her mom "ma'am", wont mind my slightly unhinged addiction to ESPN, Wont mind it at all when I send her flowers, is comfortable with herself, will love going to parties with my co-workers but knows that I have my own friends and vice versa, loves me spooning her, doesn't snore, is sexy, can make me laugh, gives me plenty of reasons to trust her, doesn't mind a lot of sex, has ambition and understands my job requires a bit of sacrifice, takes my breath away at the site of her, oh and she doesn't own or wear a fanny pack, ever.
So, whatdya think big guy? Do I have a shot in hell?
if you do happen to get around to this you can leave her under the tree wrapped in a big bow or maybe just let me bump into her at the grocery store.
I understand that such a unique person would be hard to fill at this time of year as they are usually out of stock at any other point of the year but I figure if anyone can do it...its Santa. And if you cant pull it off, then its no big deal, ill gladly take a little world peace or maybe even an Ipod.
Merry Christmas,
Girlpunch
p.s. I'm leaving you beer out this year, you totally deserve it.
I came across this last night while cleaning out my inbox which has become the internet equivalent of that side country road where people leave old couches and dump dead bodies.
found among the rubble was this...
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm,
not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
found among the rubble was this...
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm,
not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
